It's a Wonderful Christmas Story
by Ana Luminita
Summary: Deidara has some questions... 0ne. Why does the Akatsuki have Christmas parties? Two. What's Christmas? Three. How did he get under the mistletoe? Terrible summary. It's a gift fic for Christmas...
1. Prologue

A/N: Hey kids. It's been a while, sorry about any absences of haitus' on any stories, I've got a lot going on. Anyway, this piece is for my younger sister (A. Isabel, if you want to look her up), as a Christmas gift, even though I bought her a pretty sweet book. So yeah, this'll be my first shounen-ai pairing... Stick with me here, okay?

It's DeiTobi.

Yeah, I could've done much worse. SasuNaru, for example. Good thing Isa would never ask for that in a million years... I'd have to kill myself.

It's a Christmas story, too...

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Anime: Naruto

Characters: Akatsuki (Maybe + Orochi and Sasori)

Rating: 15+ for Pain's dirty-mouthed narrative and the language of the other Akatsukiites.

Pairing: DeiTobi, PainKonan (only a bit though)

Notes: Madara did not create the Akatsuki in this, and Tobi is NOT Obito (not that he is in the manga, anyway, that'd be so freakin' lame!!!)

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Prologue : Getting to Know You - Recording Pain

It looked like a compromising position to be in, let alone to have on tape, but on tape I have it. Apparently, I have picked up the nasty habit of documenting what happened at the Akatsuki Christmas parties and I proudly decided to flaunt it this year, much to the chagrin of the resident artist and self-proclaimed "free-spirit" of my crimson and black clad secret society. But there are a few things that Deidara (and I) still don't understand about the whole thing.

One: Why do we have Christmas parties in the Akatsuki?

Two: What is Christmas, anyway?

Three: How had he gotten underneath the mistletoe in the first place?

The answers to these burning questions are all very simple, my children.

One: Because I said so. (Fuck Madara. I'm God.)

Two: Who knows and who the fuck cares? (I know I don't!!)

Three: He was drunk (Shit, they were all drunk, save Konan and I.), and I pushed him.

Hello my adoring public. Yes, I am narrating myself, got a problem? My name is Pain and I am the leader of the covert organization called the "Akatsuki" which means something... not too sure what... I just thought it sounded cool...

Oh right, the story, sorry. Where was I? Oh yes, this is the story of the moment I knew that Deidara was a complete flamer and how I decided to exploit that fact to my own personal benefit, and started calling him ridiculous nicknames like "Dei-koro" and "DeiDei-luu".

So it all started three days before the annual Christmas party (Or "Holiday Extravaganza, as the freaking Queen of PC has started calling them. And I do mean Konan, not Dei-pupu), which would have been... let me see... The 18th? No... the 20th, I think. Shit, I don't know... I don't have dates memorized, that's Konan's job...

Well anyway, it started three days before the party and...

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A/N: So...? What'd you think? R/R please! And no flames, please, but if you REALLY have to, I won't stop you. And please, no remarks about the layout. is PISSING ME OFF because I don't know what I can and can't do and... ARGH.


	2. Scroll ONE

A/N: So uhm... Yeah. Here's the second part, or the first real chapter.

Notes: I actually don't know whether it's Pein or Pain. But for pronunciation purposes, I write it as "PAIN". Thank you, Razzberyfigs for inadvertently reminding me to say this!

Also... Overall, the characters might be a bit OC, but I guess they would have to be... since this has Christmas in it... so it's pretty much all screwed up anyway! And I'm just trying to have fun. This fic is supposed to just be crack, so stick with me, okies?

Oh, and Hidan and Kakuzu are still alive. :3

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Part Two: Getting to Know You – Queen(s) of the Akatsuki

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"Pain!" a sharp, cold voice rang throughout the room and I couldn't tell whether it was addressing me or simply shouting the word for the sake of it. I sat up almost immediately. Almost. But -almost- doesn't cut it in the Akatsuki, apparently.

The painful ringing of the feminine voice of my partner, Konan had barely faded when I received a quick blow to my head. "WHAT THE FUCK!?" I shouted, involuntarily. My outburst was met with yet another smack.

"Be quiet, sir." The blue-haired woman snapped as she yanked me out of my bed. Sometimes I fancied her as a cattle herder (you know... a sort of "what she would have done if i hadn't found her first" thing... you know? Yes, I know I said "You know" twice. Geez.), but then I'd realized that I would be the cattle she would have to herd and I didn't really like that idea. Not that she doesn't turn my crank or anything (because she does, ooooh boy), but I don't sway the beastie way.

So anyway, I pulled myself off of the ground where Konan had so unceremoniously plopped me and brushed myself off. "Y'ever heard of tact, my little paper doll?" I cooed, oozing false sincerity. In her usual way, she looked at me, her face seemingly devoid of all emotion and said, "No, sir, I leave all matters of sensitivities to you." Now to any other person, that would've seemed like a terribly drone-like thing to say. But nobody knew Konan as well as I did. She was smiling, deep down, grinning like a Cheshire Cat (whatever that is), but she knew just as well as I did that no where in the Akatsuki HQ was safe, so she kept that blank face on. If i was the King of the Akatsuki, Konan was my Queen. She knew my every move, every thought, every maniacal idea that popped into my head, and I knew hers.

After I'd dressed, stuck all of my piercings in their rightful holes (I'll be damned if i sleep in those things!) and made my bed, all under Konan's watchful, heavy lidded eyes, we descended into the chaos that dwelled underneath the peace of our bedroom. And holy fucking shit, was it chaotic!

Apparently, the Christmas decorations had come so Tobi had launched himself at them like a kitten at a ball of string. There was tinsel and pine shit everywhere! Amidst the disaster, Deidara and Kakuzu had begun to actually put some of the decorations on the walls. As I later learned, Itachi had begun helping them but had fallen of a ladder, squished a rabbit (I don't know where the rabbit came from) and knocked over a lamp, which broke over Zetsu's head, so he was excluded from all of the "fun".

"Hello, my children!" I called as I stepped onto the floor and the heads of my minions turned towards me. "How goes the preparations?"

Deidara, unfortunately, was the first to speak. Good ol' artsy-fartsy Deidara, always good for a laugh. Not only does he look (and act) like a chick, he always has to say something. And when I say "always", I mean ALWAYS. When Sasori was with us (I told him not to fight the old woman!! Old people are tricksy! "Kill the kid and leave!" i said, but noooooo!), he would often chide Deidara for some stupid little artist thing (I never really payed attention) and Deidara would, I am not exaggerating, blow-up... or rather, make something else blow up. He would squeal like a little girl, shove his hands in his pockets and the next thing you know, BOOM!

This is why we need to find a new HQ every once and a while.

This is why the Christmas party ended up as badly as it did.

This is also why Deidara is the other "Queen" of the Akatsuki.

But then... does it not stand to reason that there would be another King?

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A/N: I hopez u lieks its, Goozapalicious:D

R/R please!!


	3. Scroll TWO

**A/N: **Haha... A bit of a break from Doctor Who fics. XD Sorry Izz!

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Okay, now that I think about it, that was going a little too far. In no way is Tobi a "king". No. Fucking. Way.

Oh, didn't I mention? I caught Dei-boo and Tobi snogging that day.

Hidan and Konan were baking cookies in the kitchen and the whole place smelled of warm sugar and vanilla. Personally, I hated that smell, but I think it made Deidara's junk get into the funk or something because when walked by the coat room... what I saw... Oh god, it makes me sick just thinking about it.

I am going to try and describe it as plainly and as un... ugh... as I can.

So I was innocently walking around, inspecting, right? That's not a bad thing! But I was assaulted- well... My _mind_ was assaulted in the most despicable-

... I'd better get on with it, shouldn't I? Yeah.

Right, so I was wandering around and I heard something rustling in the coat room. Being the inquisitive little wonder that I am, I poked my head around the corner to survey the situation and I... Oh god, here goes...

They were in the middle of the most intense lip-lock I have ever seen in all of my years. Talk about gross. Konan and I have had our share of kisses, but this was just disgusting!!

I swear to you, they were up against the wall, actually... Tobi was up against the wall, his mask dangling loosely on the tongue of Deidara's right hand. The freaky-deeky artist's other hand was behind Tobi's head, crushing their faces together. They were panting and Tobi's hands were edging their way up Deidara's shirt, then I realized that the hand that was around Tobi's head hand a gross little orifice in it too and was probably slobbering all over... Excuse me for a moment.

-barfs-

All exaggerations aside, I was actually more surprised than anything (at the time). Surprised at myself for not noticing, surprised at Deidara for making a move (or several, as it seemed), and surprised at Tobi for being capable of anything like that (seriously, who'd'a thought?). Looking back, it should have been obvious, which is why, I guess that finding them the way I did was such a shock.

The little glances, whispers behind walls, nudges, and the way that Deidara would threaten to kill anyone who would insult him, but when Tobi said some weird little thing and Dei-chuu would just blush.

Or that time I was getting the mail and I happened to find a pink envelope. It was rather inconspicuous, other than the color, of course. Buuut... I decided to open it anyway (I am a ninja, after all) even though it was addressed to Deidara. It was from, you guessed it, Tobi. I didn't know that until I opened it, however.

... And read it.

Now I know what you're thinking, Tobes pulled it out of his hat and wrote something along the lines of...

_My Dearest Muse,_

_Every moment I spend away from your side is like an eternity in the darkest pit of hell. I can only toss and turn in my agony of not being by your side. Nothing in the world can take your place, my blond angel, I shall never find anything as perfect as you. I know you are flawed, and every flaw you possess only makes me crave for you more. Perfection has many names and I find mine to be my imperfect artist, Deidara. _

_Keep me in your heart,_

_Tobias_

If I remember correctly, it went...

_Hey Dei-Dei-kun! I luvs you! Hahaheehee:3_

_-Tobi_

_P.s. Your feet smlezz teehee :P_

Yeah...

He's not the most eloquent member of our little band.

So then, I decided to use it.

It was a brilliant, albeit non-existent, plan. Use Deidara's homosexuality against him. Now, don't ask me why, it was revenge. Revenge for his temper, revenge for his fucking clay bombs, revenge for his nasty blond hair... Just revenge. In general.

And I was going to get it. So... the plan was hatched.

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**A/N:** So it was short... but I think it served its purpose. Sorry if it seemed really mean, don't think that I mean it. XD And Izz is pissed at me because I think this chapter is made of fail. Sigh... 


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